Ramblings

 Not at all sure what I am going to write about tonight; however, I made a promise to myself to write - no matter what. With moderate arthritis in both hands and wrists, my writing is going to have come in the form of typing on the computer. I love to write with a pen and paper; however, it is less satisfying especially with the additional pain that is often involved. Getting old is definitely not for the faint of heart!

I have often been asked: What is it to be a Deacon's wife? I would love to hear from other wives of deacons (in the Roman Catholic Church) and see what their answers are. But for me, the answer is first, you have to be willing to share your husband. If you must be the center of his universe, talk him out of wanting to be a deacon. The wives of deacons, while not "officially" being "called" to the deaconate, we are unofficially called to be supportive, loving, social (grimace), and pastoral to the parish that employs your husband. BTW, I use the word "employ" rather loosely - it does not usually mean an 8-5, paid position with church. It actually means 24-7, unpaid volunteer position that has high expectations including the occasional mind reading.

The wife of a deacon is not expected to be all the things I've mentioned; however, it does make the parish life and that of your husband much easier. If you don't want to attend the same parish where your deacon husband is assigned, you don't have to. However, it gives exactly the wrong message to the parishioners. They could think that you feel you are too good to associate with them. Or perhaps that you simply do not like them. You have to consider the repercussions of your actions - think ardently before making such an important decision.

I am not the most social person; however, I do make a point of trying. I allow my husband to accept dinner invitations on our behalf - as long as he consults our electronic calendar - as my initial response is actually "sorry, we can't make it". The other ministries that we are called to are relatively easy - at east in my case.

We walked into our current parish as complete strangers; however, we walked out as a welcomed addition to the parish community family. This entire group of people have become fast and loving, faith-filled friends. We have never regretted joining this parish.

So the best advice I can give to others who are considering or already in deaconate formation is this: be open to God's call to you both; communicate with one another and pray together about this huge decision; and above all - take time to be together in every way - don't forget that you were married to each other first - give it the time, energy, attention, and love it requires and deserves. 

God's blessings to each of you and until next time - kindness is cool!

The Beginning...

My now deacon husband, Ken, was adamant – “I do NOT want to be a deacon”. He entered formation (lay ministry & deaconate formation were one and the same in our Diocese) for the coursework as he had such a passion to learn all he could about our great Catholic faith. His goal was to finish the coursework and “graduate” to be a “certified lay minister”.

We both studied hard the first 2 years and then I baled on him to pursue my B.S. degree. Ken was pushed to the far reaches of his comfort zone and often beyond. He enjoyed the reading and even the writing of papers – which was not his strongest skill at the time. For nearly four years he pushed himself, worked hard, and struggled to get through every single class required. Despite the struggles, he was very successful in all the coursework including public speaking, homiletic, and Theology.

Ken had been told for 4 years that he had “the heart of a servant” and would make “a fantastic Deacon” by others in formation and our parish community. But he kept pushing back and denying that any of this was true.

At the beginning of his 4^th year, Ken talked to the formation director about how he felt called to become a Deacon. It was received favorably by the director and the board, even though this was not the normal track of a deacon candidate. Once he had told the director of his calling, finally verbalizing to someone else what others had been telling him for years, Ken felt a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. His last year of coursework was surprisingly struggle free and not nearly as difficult for him as in previous years. He had felt God calling him for several years but had refused to listen. He prayed about it and finally allowed the will of God to show him the right path.

Even though my husband had finished all the coursework, we were still required to take the next year as our year of discernment. We continued with our required mentoring group and individual spiritual direction. Ken also started one-on-one training with our parish deacon. He continued to learn and pray and try to hear what God was telling him. We both asked God to take us where we would be needed and useful. 

Two years after he completed his studies, Ken was ordained as a permanent Deacon in the Diocese of Boise (Idaho). His mantra for those two years was “if it is meant to be, it will happen”. He put his faith in God. This is the best advice either of us could give any deacon candidate and his family – put it in God’s hands – pray and trust in His decision.